They validate and support each other, and they share the kind of emotional connections that most of us truly crave in our lives. These walls, however, block the emotional and spiritual connections we experienced that made us want to get to know each other in the first place. We let our egos die for a moment, and we have the chance to experience a true connection with another person. We can keep minor safety violations in perspective. Two popular television shows demonstrate our current approaches to sex without intimacy and intimacy without sex. There is no real relationship to discuss. For Miranda, sex is more than just sex—it implies some kind of commitment, and requires some kind of emotional connection. She has no guilt or shame associated with sex. Miranda needs to feel that sex is a part of a relationship—and she has, in the past, used sex as a way to try to initiate a relationship.
But for many of us, the choice seems to be either having intimacy without sex, or sex without intimacy. Sex is a part of casual dating for Carrie. Safety is essential in the early stages of a relationship—even the smallest safety violation can mark the end of a budding romance. Miranda needs to feel that sex is a part of a relationship—and she has, in the past, used sex as a way to try to initiate a relationship. For Charlotte, sex should only be part of a committed relationship. Sex is now an accepted recreational activity. In many ways, relationships between women and gay men are the only ones where we can experience true intimacy without involving sex. But sex and intimacy are still connected. Ironically, the only reason that they manage to do this is that sex can never be a part of their relationship, since Will is gay. What most of us crave, however, is not sex, but intimacy. The main characters have become so much a part of popular culture that many women use them as reference points to describe their own patterns and feelings about sex. They each have a different approach to sex, love and relationships, and between them they cover a broad spectrum of expectations and attitudes towards sex. So do many gay men. There is no real relationship to discuss. Our objective in our romantic relationships is to feel loved. Although Samantha had three significant romantic relationships during the run of the show including a lesbian relationship , she has never set out to find a relationship. And we equate love and commitment with vulnerability, responsibility, and the fear that our needs will not be met. The level of intimacy we experience through sex can be threatening to many of us, particularly if the sex occurs early in the relationship. We experienced too much intimacy too quickly, and we need to create some distance, some space, and to put up some walls so that we can recover. As we get to know our partners over time, we create a foundation of trust and familiarity. If we experience more intimacy than we can handle, we will feel threatened; our safety checklist will be triggered. She has no guilt or shame associated with sex. She enjoys sex for the sake of sex. We let our egos die for a moment, and we have the chance to experience a true connection with another person. We still equate sex with love, and love with commitment. When we experience an orgasm, we reveal ourselves more completely and more honestly than at any other time. We may have overcome our fear and shame about sex, but many of us still have issues regarding intimacy.
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